Our Health, Our Futures - Eating Disorders - Feeling Fat

Age 16

Photo of Margit
Margit, Age 16 "Anorexia rips your life apart, as well as the lives of your family and friends."
Anonymous, 14-year-old
"One girl who ran track trained excessively to lose weight. She ran eight miles every morning, did sit-ups and push-ups often, then ate only a banana for nourishment. She counted every calorie and felt guilty after eating."
Mary Robb, 17

"Hidden Bulimia"
The truth is that no one knows that I ever had a problem. Not my parents, my closest friends, my dog, no one ever knew, until now.
I don't even remember how old I was when I started, 11 or 12 maybe. But the pressure went back further than that, when I was seven and went to California to visit some of my relatives. My grandmother told me I was getting chubby. It made me feel bad, and I cried, but my mom told me to shrug it off. Then my dad started teasing me, saying I was getting round. I started dance at age 10 and was told that I had lost weight and looked good. Had I really been over-weight? I had never thought so, but even my dance teacher had told me I had slimmed down.
I can't remember if it was a talk show or a magazine, but something got me started on bulimia. People with bulimia would throw up after eating. Most put a finger down their throat, but there was one girl, a gymnast, who had abs so strong that she could throw up on command. It all seemed glamorous and I thought, "hey, I can do that," so I did. It was easy. At first I had to put my finger down pretty far, and my body would try to reject it, making me drool. Once I could feel the flap at the top part of my throat, I would push my finger down a little farther or wiggle it around a little bit until I vomited. But when I did throw up it was never very much, so I'd have to do it again.
But it wasn't like I did it everyday. In fact, it would be once every couple of weeks or so. Sometimes I'd just think to myself, "hey, I feel like throwing up." I lost my period for about 6 months, and at dance I would always say that I was fat so people would tell me I wasn't. But by then I did feel fat. When I got braces I really couldn't throw up much, so I just stopped eating. Besides, my braces would hurt. Then I had to have jaw surgery, and that's what saved me. I had to have my jaw wired shut for 6 weeks, and anything I ate had to be sucked through a straw. I lost a lot of weight, but by then my period was regular. I learned to appreciate food again, but even now I sometimes deprive myself of food because I've gained back all the weight I lost, which was 20 pounds worth. I've also learned to stand up for myself. My dad understands now that it hurts me to be called fat, but my grandmother would be a lost cause. I am just so thankful that somehow God interfered with what I was doing and got me straightened out.
Suzanne, 16
One girl said that part of the reason for the development of her anorexic behaviors was the pressure of social cliques in middle school.
"She became extremely insecure and began to lose weight, and then became severely anorexic. Hospitalization was necessary to return her to health. Eventually she returned, but will never be fully cured - people with eating disorders have to constantly watch their diets so that they don't fall into the same traps again."
Chris, 17
"Many dancers feel pressure to stay thin and maintain a beautiful, lightweight figure. One girl finally quit because the girls she danced with were so competitive about looks. If a girl's sternum and ribs didn't protrude, she was considered "fat," and was subject to merciless teasing behind her back."
Margit, 16
"I'm going off the deep end"
A friend reported this to me after months of dealing with bulimia and anorexia. She had lost 50 pounds from starving herself and bingeing and purging and unfortunately received a lot of positive reinforcement from peers, all of whom pronounced that she "looked great." The comments had the negative effect of encouraging her eating disorder, however. She had a picky boyfriend who rarely complimented her, and one of her greatest goals in life seemed to be pleasing him and receiving a compliment on her appearance. Unfortunately, she lost focus of a lot of other important things in life and zeroed in on weight rather than more lasting accomplishments.
Margit, 16
"I'm constantly at a state of war between my body and mind."
If my body is hungry, I may eat, and my conscience pats me on the back for every good meal I eat. But my other alter ego, my mind, immediately counts up the calories and feels terrible if the number exceeds the premeditated amount I have allotted to myself. I know it's not natural to be so obsessive about food, and I recall earlier days when I assured my mother and myself that I would never get an eating disorder. I guess I was wrong. I loved food too much, and I still do, on the rare occasions that I can let myself enjoy it.
16-year-old

"Almost Anorexia"
I don't even remember when it began. I just know that all of a sudden I was a 14-year-old who felt guilty after everything she ate. I began keeping track of all the calories I ate: the fat grams, and then sugar and sodium. I stopped eating pizza and drinking cokes and began measuring out all of my food including cereal and milk. Food was all I thought about. I was terrified of becoming fat, so I thought the way to solve that was to eat less. What I didn't realize was I was growing and needed food. It's okay to be hungry, but I was afraid of listening to what my body was telling me. The thoughts about food and the guilt that I felt after eating consumed my mind. I literally felt like a prisoner in my own mind because my fear of eating was all I thought about. I began retreating into my own world and became very irritable around people. Meanwhile I was losing weight and eating less and less.
Luckily I have a mother and a sister who caught on quickly that something wasn't quite right. With their encouragement and the help of a psychiatrist, I've been able to come to terms with the fact that my body needs food and that it's okay to eat. And I know that I can't control everything. For me, it was very much about control. My parents had just gotten a divorce, I was starting high school, and everything seemed to be changing. But even though I thought I was gaining control over my body, I was really losing it; my "obsession" was controlling me. Sometimes I still feel guilty after eating certain things, but I have to remind myself that it's okay to eat. I refuse to let the guilt control me again and I have grown to accept my body. I don't always love it, but I recognize that my body was made to be the way it is and there are some things I can't change.
Emily, 16

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Margit, Age 16		"Anorexia rips your life apart, as well as the lives of your family and friends." Anonymous, 14-year-old "One girl who ran track trained excessively to lose weight. She ran eight miles every morning, did sit-ups and push-ups often, then ate only a banana for nourishment. She counted every calorie and felt guilty after eating." Mary Robb, 17
"Hidden Bulimia" The truth is that no one knows that I ever had a problem. Not my parents, my closest friends, my dog, no one ever knew, until now. I don't even remember how old I was when I started, 11 or 12 maybe. But the pressure went back further than that, when I was seven and went to California to visit some of my relatives. My grandmother told me I was getting chubby. It made me feel bad, and I cried, but my mom told me to shrug it off. Then my dad started teasing me, saying I was getting round. I started dance at age 10 and was told that I had lost weight and looked good. Had I really been over-weight? I had never thought so, but even my dance teacher had told me I had slimmed down. I can't remember if it was a talk show or a magazine, but something got me started on bulimia. People with bulimia would throw up after eating. Most put a finger down their throat, but there was one girl, a gymnast, who had abs so strong that she could throw up on command. It all seemed glamorous and I thought, "hey, I can do that," so I did. It was easy. At first I had to put my finger down pretty far, and my body would try to reject it, making me drool. Once I could feel the flap at the top part of my throat, I would push my finger down a little farther or wiggle it around a little bit until I vomited. But when I did throw up it was never very much, so I'd have to do it again. But it wasn't like I did it everyday. In fact, it would be once every couple of weeks or so. Sometimes I'd just think to myself, "hey, I feel like throwing up." I lost my period for about 6 months, and at dance I would always say that I was fat so people would tell me I wasn't. But by then I did feel fat. When I got braces I really couldn't throw up much, so I just stopped eating. Besides, my braces would hurt. Then I had to have jaw surgery, and that's what saved me. I had to have my jaw wired shut for 6 weeks, and anything I ate had to be sucked through a straw. I lost a lot of weight, but by then my period was regular. I learned to appreciate food again, but even now I sometimes deprive myself of food because I've gained back all the weight I lost, which was 20 pounds worth. I've also learned to stand up for myself. My dad understands now that it hurts me to be called fat, but my grandmother would be a lost cause. I am just so thankful that somehow God interfered with what I was doing and got me straightened out. Suzanne, 16		One girl said that part of the reason for the development of her anorexic behaviors was the pressure of social cliques in middle school. "She became extremely insecure and began to lose weight, and then became severely anorexic. Hospitalization was necessary to return her to health. Eventually she returned, but will never be fully cured - people with eating disorders have to constantly watch their diets so that they don't fall into the same traps again." Chris, 17 "Many dancers feel pressure to stay thin and maintain a beautiful, lightweight figure. One girl finally quit because the girls she danced with were so competitive about looks. If a girl's sternum and ribs didn't protrude, she was considered "fat," and was subject to merciless teasing behind her back." Margit, 16 "I'm going off the deep end" A friend reported this to me after months of dealing with bulimia and anorexia. She had lost 50 pounds from starving herself and bingeing and purging and unfortunately received a lot of positive reinforcement from peers, all of whom pronounced that she "looked great." The comments had the negative effect of encouraging her eating disorder, however. She had a picky boyfriend who rarely complimented her, and one of her greatest goals in life seemed to be pleasing him and receiving a compliment on her appearance. Unfortunately, she lost focus of a lot of other important things in life and zeroed in on weight rather than more lasting accomplishments. Margit, 16 "I'm constantly at a state of war between my body and mind." If my body is hungry, I may eat, and my conscience pats me on the back for every good meal I eat. But my other alter ego, my mind, immediately counts up the calories and feels terrible if the number exceeds the premeditated amount I have allotted to myself. I know it's not natural to be so obsessive about food, and I recall earlier days when I assured my mother and myself that I would never get an eating disorder. I guess I was wrong. I loved food too much, and I still do, on the rare occasions that I can let myself enjoy it. 16-year-old
"Almost Anorexia" I don't even remember when it began. I just know that all of a sudden I was a 14-year-old who felt guilty after everything she ate. I began keeping track of all the calories I ate: the fat grams, and then sugar and sodium. I stopped eating pizza and drinking cokes and began measuring out all of my food including cereal and milk. Food was all I thought about. I was terrified of becoming fat, so I thought the way to solve that was to eat less. What I didn't realize was I was growing and needed food. It's okay to be hungry, but I was afraid of listening to what my body was telling me. The thoughts about food and the guilt that I felt after eating consumed my mind. I literally felt like a prisoner in my own mind because my fear of eating was all I thought about. I began retreating into my own world and became very irritable around people. Meanwhile I was losing weight and eating less and less. Luckily I have a mother and a sister who caught on quickly that something wasn't quite right. With their encouragement and the help of a psychiatrist, I've been able to come to terms with the fact that my body needs food and that it's okay to eat. And I know that I can't control everything. For me, it was very much about control. My parents had just gotten a divorce, I was starting high school, and everything seemed to be changing. But even though I thought I was gaining control over my body, I was really losing it; my "obsession" was controlling me. Sometimes I still feel guilty after eating certain things, but I have to remind myself that it's okay to eat. I refuse to let the guilt control me again and I have grown to accept my body. I don't always love it, but I recognize that my body was made to be the way it is and there are some things I can't change. Emily, 16
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